The Christmas Angel: Ode to Lindsay Susanne Parker

It was a dark Christmas back in 1987. The phone had just rung with the news that she was gone. Seventeen months of hope, prayer, uncertainty, and fear had just culminated with the message that brought tears and anguish to my life. Her heart had unexpectedly stopped beating. It was over.

Back up to the summer of 1985. Hope was in the air. A new child was to be born. The appointment was made and the doctor was ready to deliver our baby girl in the operating room. Giddiness was in the air until the dark cloud burst into the room bearing the news that something was terribly wrong. Lindsay was not healthy. Her tiny bent frame was the testament to her ills. The seventeen months had begun.

I do not wish to talk about the bad for it does my heart no good to reminisce on the things that could have been. My catharsis is to write of her black hair, her little...

...scrunched up face, her hand that would reach up and stroke my chin as I sang to her and held her tight, and how cute she looked cuddled up with her little pink teddy bear (that still wears her tiny Minnie Mouse t shirt). I wish to remember the laughter of my little boy as he tickled his sister's nose. I wish to write of a girl who would now be 24 years of age if she would have made it. I wish to remind myself that she is better off in heaven with God, but I want to remind Him that I wish He could have done without her for a while. Still, I can't help but wonder what life would have been like with Lindsay. I know our lives would have been far from normal. I understand that. But it would have become normal for us.

Last night I experienced my annual consolation. I took my trumpet and began to softly play the song of my Christmas angel, Silent Night. As I played, my emotions played too. They always do as I remember her when that lullaby is played. Tears ran down my face as I held her once again in my heart. I got out her pink teddy bear and sat it next to me, snug in my chair. It is sacred to me and the nearest thing to having Lindsay sitting at my side. Together, we sat, cried, and missed our girl.

Tonight, we will end our Candlelight Christmas Eve Communion service at our church by singing Silent Night. As I lead a thousand people in the singing of that carol I will pull the mic away from my face and let them carry me through it, for I will remember Lindsay Susanne Parker and spend a few moments once again with my daughter. I always do. It has become my personal tradition born from those precious seventeen months.

The reason that I struggle with this in 2009 is such a conundrum to me. After 24 years the emotions would seem to have eased, but this year they are stronger than the norm. Is there a restlessness in Heaven? Is there a celestial reason that I miss her so much more than usual? I possibly will not ever know the answer. But one thing is certain: I will always love you, Lindsay. All is calm, all is bright. Sleep in heavenly peace, my Christmas angel.

Comments

[Frances]

Thanks for sharing your heart Larry. Praying for special blessings for you today.

Frances

[Kevin Gilbert]

Peace, bro. I videotaped my Dad reading the Christmas story on his last Christmas, thinking I would watch it each year. I haven't been able to yet. May Papa's peace be with you and may he wrap you in His arms of love and sing to you.

[Mary and Don Hughes]

How moving, Larry! Now a little understanding as to why your music (Christmas album) has such soul to it! A quote that has always been a help to us "Life's trials will make you better or make you bitter" (Rev. David (Archie) Webb) We are so glad you chose the better road. Enjoy and BE BLESSED this Christmas and into the New Year.

[Sara Clement]

Larry...our hearts are with you. We know we're lucky enough to have been given an angel to keep charge of here on earth, and so far we've almost made it to 11 years. I'm here at Monkey Joe's with my angel sitting beside me. Her sister and friends are running around wildly while my angel sits here and seizes ever so slightly that no one else ... See Morewould even realize that's what she's doing. You are right, your life would not have been "normal," but it would have become your normal just as it has with us. I often wonder why... why do some people lose their angels sooner than others, why are we still lucky enough to have ours, why does her sister have to know about seizures, tube feedings, and a whole host of ofther things that no 8 year old should.... So today I as I prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ, and all the hustle and bustle of the season, I am reminded by you to hug my angel a little closer and a little tighter today...for I know that one day I'll be in your shoes. Thank you for sharing what's on your heart with the rest of us. Love ya brother!!!

[Elizabeth Carter]

Larry, thank you for sharing that part of your life with us. Unless someone's gone through it as well, such a loss can never be fully understood by those who encircle you and your family. I hope they've stocked up on the tissues in the sanctuary, because when anyone who's read your story sees you up there tonight singing "Silent Night" there won't be a dry eye in the house. But that's ok... it's your church family sharing their love for the Parker family. And when we're all done and getting ready to leave, we'll turn, look at each other and laugh because we'll see all the mascara racoon eyes, letting us know we weren't the only ones who read your story.

[Ryan Parker]

I love you, Dad!

[Larry Parker]

I love you too, son. They were a very special 17 months for us both.

[Mary and Don Hughes]

We did not know you had another album or two. (Ruby Smith told us) Suggestion: Since the words you penned above are a very powerful testimony - have you thought of including it in print in future album sales. Maybe a little foldout taped on the back (in dedication to Lindsay) since the albums are probably already shrink wrapped. Mary is still getting track list request together. I agree you should be able to sell next year. We possibly want 10 if you have an after Christmas sale. If you can't include the Ode to Lindsay, with your permission I would like to print it out and include with our next year Christmas gifts of the album.

[Tom]

We were there and remember that window of time. Shared the prayers & pain. Love you guys eternally!!!